I’m still on the prowl for a vice-president.  Many critics say that, since I’m not actually running, convincing someone to be vice-president will be a challenge.  So, I’m letting the people decide.

But in the meantime, I have been running the other candidates collective shows at the many debates I have attended.

// the following is a dialogue of the Arizona Republican Primary Debate at the Mesa Arts Center, in Mesa, Arizona.  The debate was presided over by Journalist John King //

JK: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the Arizona Republican Primary Debate, please help me in introducing this years Republican candidates for the President of the united states.  Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum…

(all four men walk onto stage wearing formal suits, stand in formation and wait for the anthem to be sung)

JK: … and Independent Candidate Taylor Peters

(The stage behind the candidates opens and a platform rises, shrouded in smoke.  Standing on the pedestal is Candidate Peters, wearing what appears to be a Captain America costume.  After awkwardly climbing down, Candidate Peters joins the rest of the group.  The anthem is sung and the candidates take their places behind their podiums.)

JK:  Congressman Paul, we begin with you sir

RP:  I’m congressman Ron Paul from texas, I’m the defender of the constitution, I’m the champion of liberty, this shows the road map to peace and prosperity.

RS:  I’m Rick Santorum, and we have a lot of troubles.  I’m here to talk about a postitive solution that include everybody.

MR:  I’m Mitt Romney, and I’m here to say that America’s Promise of prosperity has been broken by this president, and I’m–

(crowd erupts in applause)

MR:  I guess that’s good enough, as George Costanza would say “When they’re applauding, stop.”

(Peters leans into his mic)

TP:  I’m gonna have to politely correct you there Mitt.  The episode you’re referring to is called “The Burning” and nowhere does George ever say “When they’re applauding, stop.”

JK:  Candidate Peters, this is still just introductions.  Please hold off on attacking fellow candidates till the debate begins.

(Taylor sits back, discouraged.  Introductions conclude and debate begins)

JK:  We now go to our sent in question that simply states “Define yourself in one word and one word only.”  Congressman Paul.

RP:  Consistent.

JK:  Senator Santorum.

RS:  Courage.

JK:  Governor.

MR:  Resolute.

JK:  Mr. Speaker.

NG:  Cheerful.

JK:  Mr. Peters

TP:  America.  (fellow candidates collectively facepalm, the audience giggles, Taylor stands from his seat behind the podium.)  Do not laugh at my citizens, for I promise to be the embodiment of what America is supposed to be.  America needs a hero, I’m the hero we need, but not necessarily the hero we want.  We have had enough pencil-pushers sitting behind their desk in the oval office.  I will commit to being a hero for the nation of America.  Boom.  (drops mic, crowd erupts in a standing applause.)

(Taylor walks off the stage, and in a perfect George Costanza voice, addresses Mitt Romney)

TP:   I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.

(rock music comes over the speakers as Candidate Peters blows kisses and throws “Where We Live” t-shirts into the crowd)

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
TP

Sure, all the guys in The Avengers have a wide range of abilities.  Mastery of archery, superhuman everything, titanium-metal alloy suit, super solider serum, and being a god, all come in hand when the crap hits the fan.

Enter Black Widow.

A Russian ballerina, turned Soviet spy, turned SHIELD agent.  Gets to parade around the streets of New York with a bunch of GQ superhumans pretty much because she has the uncanny ability of working sexy poses into fight scenes.

I’m all for having her in the movie, don’t get me wrong.  Clearly, they had to give boyfriends something to comeback with when their girlfriends start developing plans to kidnap and force-marry Thor.  However, it seems somewhat redundant when they throw her into a war scene against an alien race with nothing more than Blue Steel and a couple of pistols.  It’d be like the stick guy for a hockey team suiting up and being thrown into a playoff game.  Sure it looks nice, but it’s kinda stupid.

So without further ado…

AVERAGE JOE AND THE AVENGERS

FADE IN:

EXT. HELICARRIER – SUNNY

BARNEY FINNIGAN a.k.a. AVERAGE JOE has arrived via HELICOPTER aboard the prestigious HELICARRIER, a flying headquarters for SHEILD and THE AVENGERS.  He is late and rushes to meet up with the rest of the GROUP.

AGENT COULSON
Barney! Welcome to SHEILD, hope
you made it here alright
(the two shake hands)

AVERAGE JOE
(clutching his stomach)
Uh.. yeah yes and no, I tend to fall
terribly ill when I travel.

AGENT COULSON
I’ll get a medic to fix you up right
after you meet the team.  Right this
way please.

INT. SHEILD MEETING ROOM

THE AVENGERS: CAPTAIN AMERICA, DR. BRUCE BANNER, HAWKEYE, IRON MAN, THOR, and BLACK WIDOW all sit around a large GLASS TABLE in the center of the room.

HAWKEYE
– So Agent Romanoff here tosses me a
pistol and when I go to fire, it’s
empty.

BLACK WIDOW
Well you survived didn’t you…

AGENT COULSON
Team, meet our newest member, Barney
Finnigan.

(Barney shyly waves)

IRON MAN
(turning towards Barney)
Woah, ugly tree.  What planet is he
from?

AVERAGE JOE
Erm…Earth

IRON MAN
Yeesh

AVERAGE JOE nonchalantly scratches his crotch, everyone in the room is slightly disturbed but feels too awkward say anything.

DR. BANNER
Barney, I’ve heard a lot about
you.  You’re a jack of all
trades… right.

AVERAGE JOE
(quietly, clearly star-struck)
Yeah… trades.

THOR
You are quite an odd duck.
Who is this Jack you speak
of?

DR. BANNER
It means he has every skill
imaginable, but can only
develop them so far.

THOR
Like what…

AGENT COULSON
Barney, a demonstration if
you would.

AVERAGE JOE reaches and outstretched hand and TELEKINETICALLY lifts a small BALLPOINT PEN off the table.  He then shoots it in the air with a WEAK LASER BLAST from his eyes, FREEZES it with a blow from his mouth and turns it into STONE.

IRON MAN and THOR giggle under their breath.  Suddenly, an alarm sounds in the background.

AGENT COULSON
Alright team, suit up.
(team exits)

EXT. HELICARRIER DECK

THE AVENGERS assemble outside by the QUINJET.  All heroes are dressed in sharp themed uniforms.  AVERAGE JOE enters.

IRON MAN
What the hell are you wearing!

AVERAGE JOE
What! This is my action stuff.

IRON MAN
You’re wearing Nikes, track pants
And a white V-neck with “AJ”
written in sharpie on the front.
And are those wrist bands?

AVERAGE JOE
Hey! These were on sale.

IRON MAN
This is ridiculous.  Coulson,
can you get this guy something
a bit more professional.

AGENT COULSON
What…oh, woah.  Yeah.
Barney, come with me.

AVERAGE JOE returns in ten seconds with a LEATHER SHEILD OUTFIT.

BLACK WIDOW
Woah, that was fast.

AVERAGE JOE
Yeah, quick changing is one of
my powers.

BLACK WIDOW
Ah.

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY

NEW YORK CITY is under attack from the CHITAURI, an ALIEN RACE bent on enslaving the people of EARTH.  Each member of THE AVENGERS flies off into battle.  AVERAGE JOE awkwardly tumbles onto a building roof.

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY – STREETS

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Hawkeye! Get up high and keep us
posted on patterns and enemies.

HAWKEYE
On it.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Thor, you patrol the skies.  Black Widow you –

IRON MAN
Wait, where’s the newbie.

Just then a MASSIVE CHITAURI WARSHIP swoops by the heroes.  Frantically holding on for dear life is AVERAGE JOE.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
(facepalm)
Why.

AVERAGE JOE
(screaming)
This is a lot harder than it looksin the movies!!!

A CHITAURI WARRIOR sneaks up behind AVERAGE JOE and sends him flying off the side, falling to the ground.  THE HULK rushes and catches him.

AVERAGE JOE
(patting hulk on the back)
Thanks big guy, I owe you one

THE HULK
Hmpf

AVERAGE JOE
(keeled over)

Ah, guys, I think I needto sit this one out.  My
tendonitis is kicking in.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Whateve—

AVERAGE JOE

Hey, quick question though. Like, how do you guys get
paid.  You don’t have jobs or anything.  Do you just
hope you get free stuff. I never really got that…

Group flies off as AVERAGE JOE tries to shapeshift into a Thor look-a-like.  He disappears into a bank vault that has been recently destroyed.

THE END.

Not bad for an hours work and no editing I’d say.

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
TP

I’m failing to believe that getting into all these  long-winding relationships only to end in disappointment is really better than the alternative.  Don’t get me wrong, going to battle for a championship is one thing, and no one plays to lose.  But having the spoils of victory snatched from before your eyes twice is like replacing the knife in your back with a sword, painful.  And yeah, I could easily fall back on excuses like the WHL was biased against having an American team represent the league.  Or how, in the most important game of the year, the most feared powerplay in the league was conveniently given a whopping zero opportunities.  I’m not one to complain, only bringing some prominent thoughts to light.  So I digress.

As many of you have probably noticed, I took an abrupt and extended sabbatical from writing.  I think it was part superstition seeing as how last year I posted everyday and that didn’t seem to work, so why not swing the pendulum in the complete opposite direction.  So, one year and only two more playoff wins later, it didn’t seem to work as expected.  But while I’m here I may as well touch on superstition.  It varies in severity from player to player.  Some guys order the exact same thing from Starbucks before games.  There’s a specific routine players go through in the warm up, before going out after intermission, everything.  Personally, I think it’s all in the suit.  Look good, feel good, play good.  If I lose in a certain combo, I have to change it up for the next game.  If we win, the pattern repeats itself.  I’d say it represents the notion that hockey is a lot more mental than anything.  Moving on.

It’s the eve of my glorious, hopefully parade-filled return to summer life.  Alongside the short drive up the coast comes a few less prevalent changes that I more or less look forward to:

My own bed – Pretty self-explanatory.

Home-cooking – No knock against my billets food, but nothing beats it.

Sunday Lunches – The reasons “FAMILY” is tattooed over my heart.

Having Facebook pictures that aren’t me playing hockey – From late September to May the pictures tab on Facebook is a never-ending flow of faceoffs, choppy strides, and awkward faces.

“Durrr”

Seeing the Sun – Portland.

Non-competitive Sports – See you say that but when you’ve been conditioned on winning that phrase is really an oxymoron.  Drop-in hockey, Volleyball, all usually end up with as much frustration and celebration as an on ice performance.

And a variety of other things I can’t think of now but I’m reminded of the minute I walk in the door.

For those of you wondering, I’ll keep the site going during the summer, posting will be sporadic as always but I’ll try and keep it informative and entertaining (as always?)

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
TP

Among the stories are two families who have lost children to suicide, a family struggling to find a fit for their lesbian daughter, and a mother anxiously waiting for her 14-year old daughters sentencing.  The movie shows the vague and irreproachable issue that is bullying in schools and the lackluster effort being put forth to reverse it.  Bullying has become an acceptable behavior written off as simply “boys will be boys” and “every school has this sort of problem.”

Bullying, it’s a constantly evolving monster as old as organized schooling itself.  It torments innocent victims in a variety of ways, taking advantage of new technology, spreading like wild fire, and striking at the hearts of those in its sights.  It’s a problem that does exist in every school to some degree.  Mashing hundreds of kids into a building for hours on end isn’t the best combo for a civilized utopia.  It’s just common sense.  The challenge comes with how bullying is handled and to what extent it is looked into and extinguished.  From what I saw in the film, it’s not being done properly.  Thankfully, this film is doing a great job of trying to start the fire in schools, communities, and cities to take a stand against bullying.

Here is the Stand for the Silent facebook page.

Personally, I’ve had moments on both sides of the equation, bully and victim.  I won’t lie, being a foot taller than kids in has its advantages (anyone who was on the ice with me the first year contact was allowed can probably vouch for those “advantages”.)  At the same time I’ve been at the brunt of some jokes and felt down after school.  I’m thankful for my parents bringing me up properly, supporting me when I was down, and deflating my ego when needed.

I think everyone needs to see this movie, and spread the word.  9/10

Stand for the Silent,
TP

Appropriate attire for a planet whose average temperature is 159 degrees Fahrenheit.

John Carter, the movie, is based on the first of an 11-volume novel series that was published over a span of 31 years by novelist Edgar Rice Burroughs.  The first book, A Princess of Mars, is the inspiration for the new film, and while I’m sure there isn’t enough interest in the series, I’d love to see Disney try to justify Hollywoodizing the remaining ten books.  I don’t even think Michael Bay could make “Thuvia, Maid of Mars” entertaining.    The movie follows John Carter, an American Cavalryman on the trail of incomparable treasure, who, on his pursuit, is magically transported to Mars.  A few things confuse me here.  Not the fact that our fearless hero is magically transported between 36 and 250 million km away in the blink of an eye.  Nope, it’s the fact that he can breath.  Mars’ atmosphere is almost entirely carbon dioxide.  Have you ever tried to breath straight CO2? You pass out and die.

So, let’s pretend that somehow he’s developed the ability to survive in the oxygen derived environment.  The gravity on Mars is around 38% of what it is here on our lovely planet.  If you weigh 200lbs on Earth, you’re 76lbs on Mars.  For comparison, if you weigh 200lbs on Earth, you’re only 33lbs on the moon.  Either way, if you weighed 5lbs you wouldn’t be able to jump like this guy.

Yeah.  Physics.

Overall, John Carter played to it’s strengths well.  It was properly paced, with well distributed action scenes, an original plot line and cutting edge computer animation.  Some of the action scenes got out of hand.  For example, there’s a heated battle where John takes on an entire race of aliens, and goes all Rambo.  If you watch the movie, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.  I’d recommend it for anyone who enjoys sci-fi action flicks.  7/10

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
TP

Pre-playoff signature madness

Mountain Dew comes out with a new limited edition throwback can

Downtown VIctoria

The geese are back.

Time to fire up my geese-jitsu

Hill stars in a co-wrote the new "21 Jump Street"

21 Jump Street is a  remake of the old tv show of the same name that starred a young Johnny Depp.  For those of you unfamiliar, the original tv show focused on a group of young-looking police officers, including Depp, that took on a variety of undercover roles in high schools and colleges, investigating drug-trafficking and abuse.  The show covered a variety of topics and most episodes ended with a directly messaged moral to the viewers.  The show ran for five seasons until finally coming to a close in April of 1991.

The movie takes on the same premise as the show did before it.  Channing Tatum (The Vow) and Hill become unlikely partners after their experience in the Police Academy forces them to team up.  However, with dreams of being movie cops (See Bad Boys, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon) the two of them quickly find there’s more to being police officers than car chases and gun fights.  After a botched arrest, the duo are assigned to report to Captain Ice Cube down on 21 Jump Street.

For starters, this movie had and 96% and 94% rating from critics and viewers respectively, which is almost unheard of from a comedy, especially a comedy remaking a semi-popular tv show from the 80′s.  So, it equally mystified me as it did hilarify me.  One of the extended trailers I saw during the previews of another movie caught me off guard and left me laughing in the aisle.  While usually a good sign, an uncannily hilarious trailer can also mean that the producers decided to throw every funny part of the movie in there and just pray.  Anyone who dropped ten bucks to see the cast of Shaun of the Dead make dick jokes for an hour and a half in Paul knows what I’m talking about.

If E.T. had a weird cousin that no one in the family really liked...

I think the guys behind this movie did a good job.  The relationship of the two lead roles contrast each other in a natural and relatable way.  Even more impressive, I think, is how they depicted high school life.  Cliche popular kids have been replaced by the modern student; hard-working, unnecessarily opinionated, ethnically diverse, and not always athletic.  Makes me fear for our future.  In the new school, Tatum finds it hard to fit in with the popular crowd from day one, a clearly unfamiliar territory for the jock-stereotype.  While Jonah Hill’s character, possessing traits formerly deemed unpopular, slowly finds his way into becoming befriended by the same group.

Overall, the movie did make me laugh a whole lot, and there was plenty of non-trailer scenes that did it.  There were a few cheesy, somewhat forced jokes thrown in along the way, but that can be expected of any comedy.  The movie pokes subtle fun at high school and comedy movie stereotypes.  The plot actually had some surprising depth, for a comedy that is and I think the actors were the right choices for the roles they played.  I’d recommend it for people looking for a good laugh.  7.75/10

Stay Thirsty My Friends,
TP